I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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