I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
it glows. i had to have it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
