I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
