my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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