paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
