Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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