What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
