hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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