Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
