Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
