At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
