i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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