I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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