Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
