Soap is not a condiment
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
