We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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