You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
