I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
