how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
