Tell her she can't have a vagina
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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