i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
