party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
