Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
