OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize