There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize