dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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