We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
