my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
