you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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