Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
