Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
