You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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