her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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