Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
