Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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