Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
