My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you inspire me to be a worse person
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
