explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
