i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
