did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
