Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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