Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
