When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize