My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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