No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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