i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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