I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I will pee on everything he values.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I supernannyed him into submission
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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