K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
