why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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