Your mouth is God's brothel.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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