he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
