Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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