i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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