He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
