I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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