i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize