the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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