things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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