I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
