Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
