I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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