The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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