it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
