I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
