Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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