oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
